


After Show Routine

by 5secondsoflashton



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bunk Cuddles, M/M, im unable to not write angst, so read with caution, this may be triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-20
Updated: 2014-01-20
Packaged: 2018-01-09 10:34:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1144942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5secondsoflashton/pseuds/5secondsoflashton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>there's always that routine that ashton has to follow after every show; he knows he shouldn't, but he does</p>
            </blockquote>





	After Show Routine

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for all the support on 'the limits of the heart'; it means a lot. I hope you enjoy this one I whipped up. I don't know if I like it or not, but I'll let you guys be the judges of that. 
> 
> every idea i have always becomes angst, i can't write something that isn't omg
> 
> enjoy :)
> 
> this is also on my own wattpad, mashton5sos
> 
> IF YOU REPOST I WILL END YOU

"Fuck, that was a wild show," Michael exclaimed, as he and his bandmates made their way off stage.

Their band, 5 Seconds of Summer, were opening for One Direction on their Take Me Home Tour and they'd just played a show in Hershey Stadium. It'd been extra loud, due to the excessive size of the crowd, but the boys enjoyed the adrenaline; it was a great feeling.

Ashton was feeling like shit despite that amazing moment. He enjoyed it, of course, but many things were beginning to pile up on him; the weight of it all was making him feel like crumbling.

"I think I'm going to head out and watch the 1D boys do their thing tonight after I take a shower. Anyone else want to come?" Calum piped up, to which he received a nod from Michael.

"I'll come with. Ash? Luke?"

Without even thinking about it, Ashton shook his head as frantically as he could muster. The only thing he wanted to do right now was cry to let out all of his emotions about everything.

"I think I'm going to go back to the tour bus too," Luke announced, glancing over at Ashton, who was fiddling with the bracelets on his wrist.

"Ok, well we'll be back in a bit," Michael muttered, as he and Calum headed off to wherever they needed to go.

The other two boys made their way to the tour bus, which was parked out of the back of the venue. A few fans screamed at them from a wall a dozen feet away, so Ashton managed to fake a smile and wave at them. He thinks Luke did the same; he didn't notice, after he jumped on the bus as fast as he could.

Once inside the bus, Ashton sat down in the living room area and pulled out his iPhone. He knew he shouldn't do these things, but he did.

First, Ashton opened up his text messages to see three or so unread messages from his mum, asking how the show was and how he was doing. He hadn't spoken to his mum for a lengthy amount of time since he left Australia after the UK leg of the tour.

Truthfully, Ashton was feeling homesickness at an extreme level. As much as he wanted to talk to his mum, dad, Harry and Lauren, he couldn't bring himself to do it; he'd only make himself miss them more and more, then he'd feel worse than he already did.

Ashton replied to his mum, only writing a few sentences in reply; he owed her at least that. He knew she wouldn't call, due to the fact of time zones, meaning it may be an ungodly hour in the morning in Sydney. The drummer didn't really know.

The second thing that Ashton did was go on Twitter. The boy loved Twitter. The fans were really sweet and he could express his feelings through posting tweets. Most of them were about the same thing, his unrequited love, but Ashton didn't like to think about it. Well, at least not until he was on that stage of his after show routine.

Once he'd tweeted about loving the show, he couldn't help himself when he scavenged his mentions for hate. It was something he did often, too often. He knows he shouldn't do it, he knows he shouldn't care, but he does. Most tweets are lovely, but a few insult him, calling him fat or ugly or talentless. Some tweets even went much further than that and Ashton felt himself go numb inside. Why did he always do this to himself?

The last thing Ashton did was open up his photos and torture himself by looking through all the ones of him and Luke, photos where they looked happy and overjoyed. Ashton pretended that they were a couple, madly in love with each other, while they stared into each other's eyes. These were the photos he treasured the most.

Ashton knew he would likely revisit this cycle again later that evening and cry for a while. Sometimes, he builds up enough emotion to leave him sob and have thoughts about doing things he shouldn't do.

That left Ashton to wonder where Luke was. He hadn't heard him step foot on the bus yet. Maybe he was still outside talking to fans and signing things. He felt a slight anxiety about his whereabouts; Ashton _needed_ to know where Luke was to feel comfortable. He cared about the boy too much and needed to know he was safe.

So when Luke clambered into the living room, a soft smile on his lips, causing a dimple to burst out on his cheek, Ashton couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief.

"The fans are really lovely," Luke murmured, his smile growing wider, as he sat down on the sofa next to Ashton.

"Yeah," The eldest boy breathed. He loved the fans, he really did, but he didn't want to speak with them when he was in his after show blues.

"And they're all so stunning," Luke added, his blue eyes sparkling under the dim lighting.

Ashton felt as though he'd been punched in the gut. He agreed with Luke of course, despite the fact he was most definitely gay, but it was more of the idea that he was reminded of how Luke was straight. He'd never love a boy like Ashton.

"I-I-I'm going to go to sleep," The drummer murmured, rising to his feet speedily, earning a confused glance from his bandmate. "Goodnight, Lukey."

The boy left the room and ended up in the small bathroom for the time being. His fingers were itching at his pocket, urging him to grab his phone and follow his cycle again. So that's what he did.

Ignoring the first step, as he obviously would have no more texts from anyone back in Aus, Ashton went straight onto Twitter. A voice at the back of his head was pleading for him not to read the hate, but Ashton had blocked out its voice; he couldn't even hear it in the slightest.

_'@Ashton5SOS why are u even in the band? U cant play drums. U cant sing.'_

_'I think @Ashton5SOS was only accepted into the band through pity. That boy is shit at everything.'_

_'@Ashton5SOS please go get plastic surgery, you look terrible.'_

_'i love @Luke5SOS @Calum5SOS and @Michael5SOS but @Ashton5SOS is a faggot and i hate him.'_

Gulping, Ashton began choking up with tears. Was this really true? Was Ashton talentless? Was he only in the band through pity? Was he ugly? Was he a faggot?

The boy closed the app and went onto stage three of his schedule: him and Luke. This time it was extra painful. With the addition of the earlier interaction between him and his object of affection and the hate tweets, the pictures seemed to become more painful than any knife could cause to him right now.

Now crying his eyes out, Ashton was suddenly enticed by the idea of a knife. He wished to know if it was more painful than moping over what will never be. He wanted to know if cutting his skin and watching the crimson blood pour would hurt more.

Shaking his head, Ashton fell back into the bathroom wall, because what the hell was he thinking?! He'd never been driven to such graphic thoughts of self harm before, usually crying his eyes out and the occasional thought of punching himself once was sufficient enough.

Suddenly, a soft knock came from the door.

"Ash?" Luke called out. "You've been in there a while now, is everything okay?"

Ashton whimpered at the sound of Luke's voice and he really hoped he hadn't heard that through the door.

"I'm fine, Luke. Don't worry," Ashton stammered, his voice breaking several times, despite his attempts to not let his voice waver.

"What's wrong? Open up!" Luke yelled, clearly hearing the difference in his voice.

The door was now shaking violently, as Luke found that it was locked.

"Ashton, open the door now!" Luke exclaimed. "I swear to God I will kick it down."

When Ashton realised that Luke wasn't kidding about kicking the door down from his tone of voice, he reluctantly unlocked the door. Luke barged into the room, eyes wide, as he glanced down at Ashton curled up in a ball on the floor, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Oh, Ash," Luke breathed, squatting down in front of him and brushing a few tears from his cheeks.

That gesture only set Ashton off more, sobs escaping his lips. He was soon surrounded by warmth, as Luke had pulled him tightly into his chest and was rubbing his back gently with one hand and was threading his slender fingers through Ashton's curls with the other.

"Shhh, it's okay, _babe_ ," Luke whispered, so quietly that Ashton didn't even catch the word 'babe'.

"Why does everyone hate me?" Ashton whispered, referring to the tweets he'd read earlier and the fact his family likely hated him for barely chatting to them.

"What?" Luke said, startled. "I don't know anyone that hates you, so why are you saying everyone does?"

Ashton shivered, as tears still fell from his eyes. His face was still snuggled into Luke's chest, so when he next spoke, his voice muffled.

"I'm talentless, ugly and a faggot. You guys only let me in the band through pity," The curly haired boy sobbed, letting the earlier words he'd read root down onto his mind and thoughts.

Luke pushed Ashton back to his arms length. Ashton noticed the tears that now lined his cheeks and he wondered why he was crying.

"You're none of those things, Ash. You are the most talented drummer I know and you can play loads of other instruments too, so don't say you're talentless. You're not ugly. Not at all. You are gorgeous. I'd kill to look like you. You're not a faggot either."

Luke gazed deeply into Ashton's eyes with his words, looking between the two irises of beautiful hazel. He couldn't believe the boy thought any of that about himself.

"You're not in this band through pity. We invited you in because you're talented, Ashton. I wouldn't have any other drummer play with us. It can and will only be you."

Tears stung at Ashton's eyes again, because Luke had just said one of the kindest and sweetest things he'd ever had said to him.

"I love you so much, Lukey. Thank you," Ashton whispered, clutching onto Luke's t-shirt and placing his head on his firm chest again.

When Ashton didn't even receive a monosyllabic word in response let alone a full sentence, he pulled himself out of Luke's embrace. The blond's eyes were trained on Ashton's unlocked phone, pictures of the two of them still littered over the screen. _Fuck_ , Ashton thought.

When Luke's eyes moved from the screen back up to meet Ashton's own eyes, the drummer shuffled away from the blond; he didn't want him to feel repulsed.

"Ashton, why were you looking at a folder of pictures of us?" Luke stated, his eyes boring into Ashton.

"I-I-I," The eldest boy stammered, unsure of what to say; he didn't want Luke to find out about Ashton's feelings for him. "The hate was getting to me and I needed to convince myself everything was ok."

Internally, Ashton applauded himself, as he thought his excuse was good enough and luckily, not enough to reveal his feelings.

"Everything is ok, Ash. You've got Mike and Cal. You have me too. We're always here for you," Luke responded, placing his hand on Ashton's knee.

The curly haired boy nodded, while Luke stood up and went to leave, obviously assuming he'd made sure Ashton was ok.

"Luke?" Ashton whispered, his voice sounding so small and unconfident.

"Yeah, Ash?" The blond breathed, crouching down so he was level with Ashton, who was still sat on the floor.

"Will you stay with me in my bunk tonight?" The eldest muttered, before adding, " _please_?"

Luke nodded at Ashton, telling him to finish getting ready in the bathroom. He shut the door, which left Ashton to go to the toilet and brush his teeth. When he looked at his reflection in the mirror, he practically cringed.

Along with dried tear tracks on his cheeks, Ashton's eyes were ringed with red and his cheeks were flushed. His hair was messy at the front, chunks of his fringe were sticking up and out in every direction. His lips looked dry and chapped.

Quickly, Ashton washed his face and ran some lip balm across his lips. He brushed his fingers through his curls and waves, trying to make them look half decent; the minuscule chance of Luke reciprocating Ashton's feelings would become even smaller if not.

The boy finished getting ready in the bathroom, before wandering back out into the bus' main area; the bunks were in the next section.

Ashton's breath caught in his throat, however, when he made his way to the bunk area. Luke was stood there in just a pair of boxers. The elder boy's eyes couldn't help but trail over the other's body.

In Ashton's eyes, Luke was literally perfect. His abs were beginning to show through prominently and his biceps were not as skinny as they used to be; clearly, the strict training sessions they had going for them worked. His legs were endless and slim and Ashton thought girls would envy the boy. Those oh so broad shoulders jutted out and Ashton wanted nothing more than to pepper kisses across them. The blond of Luke's hair shone under the dimmed light from the roof, as the usual quiff was flattened down slightly against his forehead.

Averting his eyes when he realised he'd been checking Luke out for quite a long time, Ashton blushed hard, his gaze never leaving the ground. All he heard let alone saw was Luke saying he was going to the bathroom.

Ashton closed his eyes and breathed out. Why did he have to like Luke? Why couldn't he have fallen in love with someone with boobs and that wasn't his best friend? His life would be so much easier and less painful.

The bus was rather quiet at this point: the girls outside seemed to have left the area and only the faint sound of Luke brushing his teeth could be heard. Calum and Michael probably wouldn't be back for another hour at least, allowing Ashton some more time alone with the man he loved. The bus driver was likely up front or was out having a drink of coffee, but that was ok. The area was isolated.

Once Ashton had climbed into his bunk (it was one of the bottom ones, so he had a quicker access to the bathroom when he wanted to cry), he thought again about how stupid he was for falling in love with his best friend, who was a guy and was straight. Ashton had the worst luck, clearly. The chances the blond would reciprocate his feelings were practically zero.

Kicking off his skinny jeans and throwing his top off onto the floor, Ashton pressed his back down onto the softness of the bunk's bottom. He lay directly in the middle.

When Luke returned from the bathroom, the eldest boy's eyes were already fluttering in their attempt to stay open, but when Luke's abs were in his eye line, they stayed open with ease.

Awkwardly, Luke decided to climb over Ashton and lie up against the wall, pulling the other boy tightly into his chest and linking his hands over his stomach.

"Are you feeling any better, Ash?" Luke whispered, his breath tickling at Ashton's neck.

Ashton sighed in content, because _wow_ , this was a perfect scenario: Luke holding him tightly. The said boy pulled the bunk curtain across, allowing darkness to consume them slightly, before the bunk's light was turned on, allowing less light than that of the outside of the bus.

"Yeah," Ashton breathed, his fingers brushing over Luke's which were still locked around him.

"If you ever feel like that again, I want you to talk to me. I never want to see you cry again," Luke stated, fairly demandingly.

Ashton felt himself nod, although he knew he wouldn't keep that promise. He would cry on his own away from Luke, as he would never want to burden the boy with any of his stupid issues. There was one thing, however, that Ashton did want to confide in Luke with: the brief urge to cut himself.

"Lukey," Ashton said, "I felt like I-I wanted to cut myself. I need help."

The arms around his waist tightened and he was pulled back further into Luke, so much so that Ashton could feel Luke's crotch pressed into his thigh.

"You didn't, did you?" Luke asked, softly, his voice cracking slightly at the thought of Ashton running a blade along his skin.

"No, but I thought about it a lot. I thought it would hurt less than-" Ashton began, but stopped when he realised he was about to blurt his stupid feelings out.

"Less than what, Ash?" The blond boy whispered, his voice soothing that Ashton almost lulled off to sleep.

"Nothing, it's nothing."

Luke loosened his grip of Ashton, only to turn the boy around to face him, the lack of space in the bunk making the two boys be only a close distance away from each other, noses almost touching.

"Ash, it's not nothing if it drove you to thoughts of self harm. I'm trying to help. You want help," The blue eyed boy pleaded, concerned for the nineteen year old.

 _Fuck_ , Ashton thought, _why did I even mention it? I should've stayed quiet._

Racking his brain on what to say, Ashton decided on telling Luke the truth. Well, some of the truth.

"I like someone, wait, no, I love someone, but they don't like nor love me back. It's hurting me a lot."

Ashton's gaze dropped and focused on Luke's collarbone; he didn't need it shifting too low though.

"Who is it? I'm sure they do like you back. Why wouldn't they?" Luke mumbled, his fingers now brushing across Ashton's toned, sun kissed biceps as a mode of comfort.

All Ashton thought about was the 'why wouldn't they?'. His hazel eyes became blank, emotionless, as he looked up at Luke's concerned blue ones.

"Because I'm a faggot," Ashton replied, monotonously. "I'm ugly and talentless."

Despite Luke convincing him for a while otherwise earlier, Ashton still believed these things were true, especially now as Luke questioned him.

"What did I tell you earlier, Ash? None of those things are true! Girls would never think those things about you, so whoever this one is that you love will give you a chance!" The younger boy exclaimed, shaking Ashton's shoulders as to shake him out of his thoughts. "She'd be lucky to have you!"

The mop of curls shook from side to side, as Ashton dismissed Luke's words. Even if no girls thought that about him, it didn't matter. Ashton was in love with a boy; the one right in front of him to be exact.

"It wouldn't matter even if they didn't think those things," Ashton whispered, his voice still flat in tone, as he glanced straight at Luke.

"Why's that? Of course it would matter. She would-" The blond started, but Ashton cut him off rather aggressively.

"I'm in love with a guy, Luke! I'm gay!"

The blond's eyes widened and his mouth fell slightly agape; that was the last thing he had expected Ashton to say.

Inside his head, Ashton was in turmoil. He was beginning to say too much. Luke knew he was gay. Luke knew. Ashton had just told him. He had to leave. He had to get out of there.

"I need to go," Ashton blurted, spinning around away from Luke and pulling frantically at the bunk's curtain.

"No, Ash! Don't! It's fine. I don't mind if you're gay!" The younger boy yelled, grasping Ashton's wrist and turning him back around to face him.

Ashton refused to meet Luke's eyes, but nodded, accepting his words. He didn't know what to say. He didn't want to say a thing.

"Who is the guy that stole your heart then?" Luke murmured, trying to get Ashton to meet his eyes, while they spoke.

The eldest boy didn't say a thing. He didn't want to say anymore. He'd said too much already. The last thing he wanted was to confess his feelings and Luke hate him.

"Is it one of the One Direction guys?" The blond mumbled and Ashton shook his head, rapidly, before realising he shouldn't have responded at all, because now Luke would persist. "How about Cal or Mike?"

The curly haired boy squeezed his eyes shut in hope that Luke would stop asking him questions. He just wanted to rest now. All he ever wanted in the first place was Luke to stay with him in his bunk after the shitty evening he'd had.

"Ash, you can tell me. I'm just trying to help you. I don't want you feel the need to hurt yourself ever again."

"It's not Cal or Mikey," Ashton whispered, his heart pounding in his chest, as Luke was so close to finding out his secret. His mind couldn't override his heart's pleading for him to respond to Luke.

The blond continued to list off several other people that could possibly have attained Ashton's love, but the silence and sometimes shaking of the head had told him he'd not chosen the right person.

"That's literally everyone I know," Luke said, sighing. "Please tell me, Ash. I need to help you."

"You've missed one very important person," Ashton thought, but realised he'd said it out loud, causing him to almost punch the wall. He should've just left ages ago, but Luke was too hard to walk away from.

"The only other person I can think of is- oh," Luke stated and Ashton shuffled away slightly. "Ash, are you in love with me?"

The blond said his words with such confidence, but with no emotion present within his voice. Ashton felt himself shrivel up inside, as he began to panic slightly; Luke was going to hate him.

"I'm so stupid," The drummer breathed, a few tears dropping down his cheeks, as he went to leave the bunk for a second time.

"Ashton," Luke demanded, pulling the boy back again, forcing their eyes to meet, "are you in love with me?"

Luke's tone scared Ashton; he sounded angry and disappointed. Ashton wanted to cry a lot more than he had earlier that evening. His nod at the speech was cautious and fuck everything, his secret was out. Luke knew that he loved him.

The nod of Ashton's head was all Luke needed though to press his lips firmly to the hazel eyed boy's, his hand flying to the back of his head, threading his fingers into the mop of curls. The two boys kissed for only a few seconds; Ashton barely responded through his shocked stated.

"I love you, Ash," Luke confessed.

When Ashton heard those words, he pressed himself into Luke's arms, crying softly into his shoulder, an overwhelming feeling of joy consuming him. Luke loved him.  
Ashton soon fell asleep there, tucked up into Luke's chest, their bodies flush against each other. Their limbs were entangled, no space in between. 

The morning would come around eventually, neither boy wanting to leave the perfect moment, but things would be different from then on: Luke would give Ashton the courage to speak to his parents more; he would reassure him constantly that what the hate said wasn't true and Ashton wouldn't read it as much; and lastly, Ashton's album of pictures would become packed and he wouldn't have to imagine that they were a couple in love anymore, because Luke would become his boyfriend and love him unconditionally.

The after show routine that Ashton had in place would eradicate itself and would become one much better: lying down in his bunk with his boyfriend, stealing kisses and sharing tender touches. 

**Author's Note:**

> i can't end stories omg
> 
> any thoughts on this would be greatly accepted (also if you have any prompts, comment with them too)


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